I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
I think ill wear my dads dashiki but make it sluttier. We shall see
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
Randomize
