I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
Idk my boobs are big but i dont think theyre hide a flask in them big..
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Randomize
