apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
I enjoy the company of your penis
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize
