Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
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