all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
two words: eviction party
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
Randomize
