you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
