If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
Nothing on google about my condom issue. However, if you get a chance google: condom with teeth.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
Randomize
