He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
