saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
No, we're smoking outside. We're hot boxing the world.
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
They are going to name an STD after you.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
