I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
also, did you notice that when he quoted your email he used MLA format?
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
Randomize
