I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
I'm always down for nudity.
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Randomize
