Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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