Pappa wants mamma naked
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
Randomize
