After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
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