I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
Randomize
