she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
there were at least 5 of us standing around the bathroom stall cheering you on to throw up.
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
Randomize
