I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
