I don't think you know how difficult it is to pee in poncho..
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
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