I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
I wish i could go to google and type in drug dealers and it would bring up a number, a product and direction
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
Holy sore nipples Batman
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
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