You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
Coming out of the blackout mid beej was nice. Seeing her face was not.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
i am craving dick and cupcakes
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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