Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
So squirting runs in the family.
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
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