Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
So much Jack, so little girl.
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Randomize
