I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
I want to hump her dimples until her face caves in.
So many issues. You honestly need help.
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
No just a slight sexual miscommunication which led to a little (lot) vomiting by one party and a bruised sternum on the other party involved.
I can't even make a guess how that goes.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
Randomize
