Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
Randomize
