Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
