fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
