Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
Randomize
