I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
He's not gay. He just has bad gaydar and he gaydared himself and was wrong.
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
