I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
Conclusion from last night: Sometimes being classy isn't as fun as making out with a guy on a pooltable in a bar. Happy birthday, Canada.
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
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