He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
Iranian Rapper, camaroonian basketball player, mexican i forget and indian doctor....this one looks the best on paper.
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
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