I just punched cris angel in the balls. I have photos.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
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