Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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