I was so high i believed someone when they told me le moyne beat syracuse
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
Randomize
