I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
Hannah wants to know if she cant borrow your stats notes because she threw up on hers.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
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