Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
Randomize
