she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
Someone came in the potted fern
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
Randomize