I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
Our logic class started an hour ago, I walked out and found my sister drunk, sitting down, eating m&ms, afraid to walk in... I want her life
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
Randomize
