My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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