i always forget guys have bellybuttons
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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