I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
Also, I once came to the conclusion after this one boy, that her pleasure condoms are a college boys version of flowers
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Randomize
