I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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