"it" just moved
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Randomize
