sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
Well I think that's a good thing that I'm not full of someone else.
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
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