tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
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