Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
eww mummy girl is here...
what the fuckk. i just want to hold her down, wax her eyebrows, and give her some morals.
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
