is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
Randomize
