Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
How much beer/TP for a BJ? Trying to set my new rates.
Randomize
