Well i threw up in my mouth a few times. But i successfully swallowed it. Still going strong.
The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
where am i from again
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
Randomize
