Capitaan dildo arrescate!
he's a nude model. what could you have done to make him feel awkward??
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
You are a booty call, not a friend.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
Randomize
