it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
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