I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
Nada. Shooting off confetti and wanted to see I'd u could see it from ur house.
Wow. Its not even 11am.
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
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