Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
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