dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
I think I should advise against you hooking up with a guy that throws "the shocker" up in all of his pictures on facebook. Just sayin.
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Randomize
