all of his pictures were taken on a library computer, how did you even consider fucking him?
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
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